This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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