Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
