I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
