is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
