Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
