You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
