home. puking in laundry basket.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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