dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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