im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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