You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
