She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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