he seriously made his penis a facebook.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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