You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
