I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Pants are for mortals
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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