Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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