Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
