She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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