so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
