I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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