you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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