Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm getting married
To pizza
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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