so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize