I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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