I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
