The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
zippers are such a cool invention
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
