this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
