somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
