I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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