One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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