my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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