Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
