All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
