No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
