sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
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is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
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The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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