You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
