I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
