I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
