First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
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He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
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I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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