I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
