I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
