so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
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Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize