Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
