I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
