I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
