He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
