Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
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She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
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I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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