The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize