Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
