i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
