You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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