you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
