I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
