So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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