I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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