I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
